Common parenting mistakes made during child upbringing

It's not easy to be a perfect parent. There is absolutely nothing easy about being a parent. Certainly, the journey is full of fun and gratifying moments if you are lucky. 

Not leading by example
You can’t expect your children not to swear if you swear. Your behaviour sets an example for them. Children learn primarily through modelling – you can’t avoid being a role model for your kids, whether good or bad. Setting a good example is one of your key jobs as a parent.

Not allowing children to experience disappointment
Mistakes are a big part of learning and frustrations are inevitable. When you decide to make things easier for your child, it will just lead to tougher times in years to come. Rescuing your child undermines his sense of capability, sets him up for perfectionism, and therefore makes him more likely to give up. By giving your child permission to make mistakes, you give him the chance to practice bouncing back and to develop resilience, and therefore flexibility.

Not disciplining with a loving heart Children want to know that they have boundaries, although they will ignore these boundaries on occasion. When your kids cross the line that you have set, you have to consistently hold them responsible for their choices or they will become confused. They must understand why they receive reasonable punishment and know that it’s a source of parental love.

Not getting to know your child. Sometimes parents assume that they know their children when they really don't get their kids at all. You hear of parents saying they know their kids better than the kids know themselves. This, to me, is one of the most concerning and emotionally dangerous lines in conversation. How can anyone know someone better than they know themselves? You get to know your kids not by projecting your impressions and hopes on to them but by listening to them over time, that is over many years. Do not assume that your child is moving in a defiant direction simply because your child reminds you of your brother who was always a smart-ass. Similarly, do not assume that your daughter has your personality because she looks like you. Be careful of your assumptions, always.

Using punishment as your main form of discipline
It is important to discipline your child, but that doesn't necessarily mean you need to punish them. Parents have mistakenly equated punishment with discipline.

The focus of discipline shouldn't be getting your child to do what you want, but instead, helping them regulate their own behavior. Self-control is about doing the right thing, learning to recognize the rules and choosing to obey them. It is about choosing the right behavior because it is right. Parents who focus more on punishing bad behavior rather than encouraging children to stop, think, and make a choice, force children to instead look at the world and what they do based on whether or not this will get them into trouble."

This won't help the child develop the skills needed later, instead, it causes fear and uncertainty in the child. In the long-term, it teaches kids to look at life in terms of what they can get away with."

Not empathizing with your child

When a tough situation comes up, one of the most powerful things you can do is to take time to empathize before you react. Before you interact with your child, try putting yourself in their shoes. If they are angry, crying and upset, or frustrated — they aren't trying to make your life harder. They are having a really tough time and they probably lack the skills to know how to cope with it. You should put yourself in their shoes and think of how you would like to be treated in such situation.

Giving your child a negative label

One of the worst things you can do is to give your child a negative label, because they may carry it with them for the rest of their life. Kids tend to internalize what they're told about themselves. What parents say becomes their internal template, the voice they hear inside their head often for their whole lives."
If your kid is doing something that drives you crazy, rather than making a comment about them as a person, you shiuld focus on the behavior that's the problem. This room is a mess. You need to pick up your toys before dinnertime. It's time to stop playing and get your homework done. This is far more specific; the child knows what he can do to correct the situation. This approach indicates that the problem is related to a specific situation, not something permanent about your child."

On the contrary, do give your child positive labels when your child displays traits you want to encourage. You're a kind person. You're so nice. When you put your mind to it, you can figure anything out. These are traits you want your child to perceive as an inherent part of himself."Shu

Trying to control your child
While you need to be consistent with discipline, it's important not to go too far in the other direction and try to control your kids, as it will lead to them acting out later on. Barbara E. Harvey, Executive Director of Parents, Teachers and Advocates, Inc, said, "Control is a mistake because eventually in order for a person to be free they must rebel. In the short-term children may submit and it is easier for the parent. However the child is not learning to make decisions for themselves."

When you try to control your child, you're also missing an opportunity to teach them they can trust you. Harvey continued, "Nor are they building a sense of learning to trust. In the long term the parent is setting up an oppositional pattern where, in order to grow and stretch their wings, children have to rebel."

Aricia Shaffer, former therapist and parenting coach, agreed. She said, "The first mistake is believing you have control over your kids. If you've ever tried to force kids to hurry, to eat their breakfast or fall asleep, you're familiar with this fact, yet some parents choose to try to fight it. When you fight it, you get frustrated parents and out of control behavior from kids